I had the best day (in a long time) Sundae.

-I laughed wen I was out and I laughed wen I was on the fone.

Buh as I laid there, unable to sleep once again, I began thinking ..and then crying.

Last wk I realised that I am insane and this wk I realised that I am a thief.

What did I steal? ..and from who? 

Well here's how my thoughts started:

I remembered being in kindy. We were separated by a fence. I use to call him over because I was young and scared in kindy. And then there was the time where he rode the bike and let me sit on the back as he rode around the garden. He was really important to me. My brother.

Then I was thinking abt why he's such a mess now. I realised. I was because of me. I stole everything from him ever since I was a kid.

In kindy, I stole his lunch and recess time so he cud keep me company.

In primary skwl, I stole his self esteem.

In high skwl, I stole his achievements by achieving more.

He was really smart. He had friends. He had dreams and hope for his future. He was nice to every1 and respectful to my mum. He was literally my idol.

I tried to keep up with him because, being the third daughter, I dnt get much attention although Im the youngest. I looked up to him. Buh CBC messed him up pretty bad and i began to surpass him.

The more I achieved, the more he failed.

Now he's a mess and I hate him. BUH in the end, it was my fault!

I never realised how selfish I was until now.

Now I have everything. I get everything.

Its not fair. Not fair for him.

I asked myself, if I had the chance to, wud I give it all back to him?

And I cried even more because I said no!

I like what I have and I dnt want to give it up! Why am I like THIS!?!

If she falls, yu pick her up.

If she pukes, yu hold her hair.

If she fails, yu do her work.

If she cries, yu're there to hold her.

If she dies, yu blame yurself.

She's Not yur responsibility buh if yu're going to take on that mission, DO IT RIGHT!

She's not five, dnt treat her like a baby. 

If she does something wrong, yu dnt fix it for her BEFORE she realises that its HER MISTAKE.

Doing all this for her, doesnt help. She's gotta learn and yu knw better.

If yu care for her That much, let her go so she can stand up all on her own.

Its common fkn sense.

Something that ppl these days lack is support.

They fear of whats going to happen to themselves if they stood up for someone.

I for one of many on that bus regret not saying something to the drunk white man who was harassing the high-skwler and the Aboriginal lady.

..no one even dared to turn their heads until he left; he went after that lady.

SHE COULD BE DEAD!

I support my friends wen they need me. Even when Im scared. Buh only because I see them as my friends.

..its not the same for them. They call themselves my friends buh its not true.

My friends are different I guess. They're not as strong as I am. Im a toughy. I can protect them buh they're unable to protect me. I think this way. Otherwise, I have no real friends.

When I think of support, I alwaes think of Zac. He's the only one who ever backed me up.

Maybe that was different because he had more authority.

Everyone's brain functions 24/7. 


Its impossible to stop thinking.

That's not true. I think ALL THE TIME.

Today I felt so fat that I actually went, “I CAN’T FIT ANY OF MY CLOTHES ANYMORE!!” LOL!

I’m unbelievable. The way that words affect me is crazy.

I hang around a variety of people who speaks differently. Some speaks in a cold tone while others speak with more than one meaning. Several speak haughtily but very few speaks simply. It’s always difficult to understand and thus I over think.

It’s stressful for my brain and my blood pressure to over think simple matters but I simply take it as something I must improve upon. Judgement from people lowers my self esteem but I’m resilient, I’ll take it as a memo to improve. So NTS: I need to lose the fat.

I’m pathetic. Twice already, I’ve talked myself out of buying my craved chocolate. I know that if I got out of the house more, I wouldn’t be this fat even if I ate a buffet twice a week. Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk myself into getting out of the house more. I feel tired all the time and insecure when I’m out. I’m scared that when I go out, I’ll create another unhappy memory. When things don’t go right, I crack. I depend on my closest friends when I break down. But it’s really too much to keep depending on them. It’s not okay. Not good for anyone. I’m just going to learn how to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself.

Since year 9, the knowledge of ‘blending’ came to me.
I was happy, carefree in year eight but one year later, I began to notice the importance of fitting in with society. It was a difficult task that I didn’t want and didn’t think I could do. The world felt as though it has collapsed on me. The days were dull. The people were exhausting to be around. The pressure to ‘SMILE’ at everything made it worse. They don’t understand.

Why must I smile when there’s nothing funny?

Why must I grin my way through life, just because people say that it’s too short?

I got tired of fighting and I gave in. That’s why I’m what I am now.

If you tell me to smile, I smile. If you tell me to look, I look. Tell me to do something, and I’d probably do it without question. I’m too tired to ask why. I’m too tired to explain. I’m too tired to refuse.

That is why I am like this now. Soul-less.

I get to make my own decisions and yet, I’ve always made the wrong ones. I don’t like regretting because I think, that’s like digging your own emotional grave. If I kept with that fight, if I kept going against the mould of society, I would be a much better person now. I wouldn’t feel so empty and regretful.

I hate games; the reason being that my life is a game itself, a game that is much too hard to succeed in. How can I possibly succeed if I’ve forgotten my goal? Was there a goal?

I try to start over although it’s hard. But the fear of not making it to the finish line frightens me. I understand that life is purposely shaped with many difficulties for each one of us to overcome, but how many times must I start over?

Is starting over, simply avoidance? Because, I always walk away; from the game and from that life of mine.

Blending into society means to crave for something that you don’t even want.

How can ppl be at the same location at the same time buh never find each other?

..is it jst never meant to be?

Cockroaches are strong. They simply refuse to die. They're worth admiring.

Ive made these to give me strength. 

..It really works.

Ive been painting my nails five different colours. 

They make me smile each time I look at them.

Its childish I knw. Buh its also refreshing.

My friends clearly dnt like it because they noticed nd didnt say anything.

Buh get real, my nails dnt have to look like yurs.

This guy from work noticed them and he jst went :S lol

A guy, noticing them and yu think my friends didnt? PSHH

 So Ive realised that there are more important things to do than be angry over what so jerk face said.

I cant be wreck-less anymore.

If Im this weak, how can I help my mum when she needs me the most?

Ive decided to relax buh also, get serious with life.

Im so angry right now that I can cry.

To think of it, I alwaes cry when Im seriously angry.

The nxt person that tells me to CALM the freak DOWN, is gona get whacked.

If yu dnt think this is me. YOU DNT KNW ME  sooo FUCK OFF!

I saw this nd thought. Who the fuck cares?!

What does any of that matter?

Jst because,

-'you're beautiful'

-'someone out there is crazy about you'

-nd' life is too short'

..You have to smile?

THIS IS BULLSHIT, FUCKED UP AND FULL ON RIDICULOUS!

Ling, where are yu when I need yu?

Yu are one of two ppl that I can talk so openly with.

Yu're the only one that I can hang out with everyday.

Yu're the only one that was able to make me cry when we were to part.

I need to tell yu so many things.

Im sad Ling, can yu hear me?

I like having so many guy friends.

Buh sometimes I think they're being too nice.

Or are they really THAT nice compared to girls?

My friend is in China atm. Far FAR away D:

I miss my friend so Im writing loads of postcards to comfort me.

I NEED my friend, to talk, to hang, to cling onto :)

These holidaes have made me realised more than I did the entire year.

I realised that Im pathetic; havent and still not doing anything with my life.

-I sit at home, over think and over analyse. 

Ive learned that instincts/ womens' intuition comes from indirect/subconscious analysis.

Women tend to focus on detail and hence their subconscious analysis tends to give them info (a feeling) which they dnt knw where it came from.

I realised Im confused abt who I am; Im extremely happy abt one thing b4 I sleeep and when I wake I get angry over the reason I was happy for. Whats up with that?

-Its like Im fighting with myself when I sleeep.

I think im fighting because the 12 year old me and the 16 year old me disagrees with each other.

The 12 year old me is sincere, stubborn, innocent.

The 16 year old me is someone who blends so she can fit into society.

The older me ends up winning a lot.

I realised that when I say, "I like who I am," Im in denial. When I say, "I hate myself," I laugh.

-What kinda screwed up shizz is this? Why wud I laugh when things are sad and embarrassing?

Well it turns out arrogance doesnt suit me.

I jst cudnt speak so full of myself. The words jst wudnt come out.

I guess Im more modest than I think. ://

 I like this.

By choosing to be overwhelmingly arrogant again, well that was inspired by a new friend.

Buuh in a way, this is helping decided if this is really me.

Im on a journey to find myself.

Im giving myself an arrogance make over.

BUH Everything I do makes me tired.

I guess, I dnt have to be everywhere, I jst need to be remembered.

..Buh who am I kidding, when dnt ppl remember me? ;D

Since when did I self lowering my self worth?

I dnt remember not feeling not good enough for someone.

Nd when I think of it, this person is only beta than me in a few aspects.

He makes me doubt myself.  buh then again, I lack confidence.

He was my guardian angel; a temporary knight in shining armour.

He watched over me the entire yr 7.

Although I wonder if another would appear, one was more than I could have ever asked for.

He was everything to me. 

Life was simple then.

I need a top that says..

BITCH-BY-ACCIDENT

I cant trust my girls; there are secrets they wont ever get to knw.

I hardly have any guy friends and strangely enough, a lot of them tells me to lean on them when Im troubled.

I didnt want to tell them this because its like arrogance overload. 

Buh a lot of guys say that to me and end up liking me.

Whether I like the guy back or not, our friendship is ruined once that person speaks those words.

No matter what, it wud result in a lie. 

Dnt get my hopes up and then knock it right back down. 

..this is why I dnt like depending on others.

Dn't casually tell me that I "shouldn't care what other people think"

Every1 cares abt what others think abt them. If yu think yu dnt, yu are in denial.

People judge. Yur image reflects upon yu. Thats what i have learned.

Have yu tried showing up to an event dressed like a hobo that jst woke up and walking around with yur head held high and then stooping so low that yu completely transform yurself into who knws what?

Every1 goes through a similar phase.

That day, I trusted that ppl didnt judge yur character based on yur looks, buh I was wrong.

I had negative comments and disgusted looks thrown at me. 

Now look at me, arrogant, good looking and hardly ever under-dressed. I've trained myself to resist fast food, now I hate it. I've trained myself to cut back on unnecessary carbs, now I hardly ever have an appetite. Its exhausting being this me. I've alwaes told myself that I like this me because the world shines a brighter light this way buh when I get to really think, I hate myself this way. I was molded into something that other ppl wanted to see. Buh I've gone too far too revert back now.

Dnt look at the me now with a disgusted look either. At least Im willing to admit that I've succumbed to pressure. 

We are all a reflection of what society wants us to be.

Guys only like me 'cause I'm pretty.

What a shallow world.

STOP LOOKING BACK!

 

How do I gain patience? I can only believe that if life was a game, patience is my prize 

..if I win. Buh there's alwaes only one winner; so the chances are slim.

 

Buh then again ..I want to give up yur existence.

Life is dramatic .. stay strong

STRENGTH

 

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you

-Ovid