Since year 9, the knowledge of ‘blending’ came to me.
I was happy, carefree in year eight but one year later, I began to notice the importance of fitting in with society. It was a difficult task that I didn’t want and didn’t think I could do. The world felt as though it has collapsed on me. The days were dull. The people were exhausting to be around. The pressure to ‘SMILE’ at everything made it worse. They don’t understand.

Why must I smile when there’s nothing funny?

Why must I grin my way through life, just because people say that it’s too short?

I got tired of fighting and I gave in. That’s why I’m what I am now.

If you tell me to smile, I smile. If you tell me to look, I look. Tell me to do something, and I’d probably do it without question. I’m too tired to ask why. I’m too tired to explain. I’m too tired to refuse.

That is why I am like this now. Soul-less.

I get to make my own decisions and yet, I’ve always made the wrong ones. I don’t like regretting because I think, that’s like digging your own emotional grave. If I kept with that fight, if I kept going against the mould of society, I would be a much better person now. I wouldn’t feel so empty and regretful.

I hate games; the reason being that my life is a game itself, a game that is much too hard to succeed in. How can I possibly succeed if I’ve forgotten my goal? Was there a goal?

I try to start over although it’s hard. But the fear of not making it to the finish line frightens me. I understand that life is purposely shaped with many difficulties for each one of us to overcome, but how many times must I start over?

Is starting over, simply avoidance? Because, I always walk away; from the game and from that life of mine.